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No one can deny the benefit of preventive medicine. First of all, it’s often easier to prevent an illness than it is to cure it–that’s why you go in for your annual physical (or why you should). And we all can agree that feeling healthy is preferable to feeling sick. So looking out for potential illnesses before they take over your life is the reasoning behind the medical check-up.

But when was your last relationship check-up?

Everyone needs a Relationship Check-up…

Unfortunately, couples and couples counselors have not adopted the philosophy of the regular physical for relationships. Most often, the approach is to wait for problems to arise, persist, and then to seek help. To compound the problem, most marriage counseling is focused exclusively on the presenting complaint–this problem-centered focus often obscures any resilient aspects of a relationship that already exist, ones that might be used in a healthy way. This sends the message that couples should only seek counseling or give their relationship close attention when a crisis arises. Couples counseling is seen as a last resort, an act of desperation.

Shouldn’t there be an alternative to this approach?

The typical journey to marriage counseling:

Meet Joanna and Bernie—the “every” couple.

Like many modern-day couples who try to juggle numerous commitments and responsibilities, Joanna and Bernie have their share of stress. And this stress has taken a toll on them. Over time, their relationship has suffered.

Depending on circumstances, relationship problems surfaced but then seemed to disappear…only to resurface at some later point. As time passed, this pattern intensified and became more frequent, often with no resolution. The vitality and life that was once a part of their relationship started to give way to hurt feelings, then withdrawal and finally indifference. As their marriage became more painful, Joanna and Bernie started to channel their energies elsewhere: Work-related activities, parenting and/or time spent with family and friends supplanted the time that was once spent enjoying each other.

As unresolved issues continued to fester, the familiar relationship that once offered comfort and meaning was nowhere to be found. Beleaguered and hopeless, it became painfully obvious to Joanna and Bernie that marriage counseling was needed if they wanted to head off a divorce.

Couples often endure an agonizing existence for years before seeking help—and like a slowly developing medical problem, the more time that elapses before seeking treatment, the poorer the prognosis.

But what if Joanna and Bernie had been going for an annual relationship check-up?

Isn’t it possible that their marriage problems could have been identified early on and Joanna and Bernie been given the tools needed to tackle these issues?

Unfortunately, few options exist for couples who want to evaluate the overall health of their relationship before problems crop up.

When is a problem a “real” problem?

There is a level of decisiveness when someone is dealing with a physical aliment: if you develop a pounding headache that won’t go away, you call your doctor; when you injure your back to the point where you can hardly move, you see a specialist immediately.

This level of decisiveness is lacking when it comes to relationship aliments.

Some couples quarrel often and still have strong relationships; however, conflict can signal the start of significant trouble for others. Some couples make love infrequently but still feel fulfilled and connected with each other, while for other couples, a lack of physical intimacy is a sign that help is needed. In other words, a problem for one couple isn’t necessarily a problem for another.

Would you call a counselor for a relationship check-up if you faced any of the following?

~Lately your marriage seems less fulfilling;

~You start wondering if this is all that love has to offer;

~Over the last few months, you and your husband have been arguing more frequently;

~You’ve noticed that your wife has been withdrawing from you and avoiding intimacy;

~When you have the choice, you prefer spending time with friends rather than with your partner;

~You find that you have no desire to make love to your husband.

If you answered “no” to the above question (whether or not you’d call a professional if you faced any of the aforementioned issues), you’re not alone. And quite frankly, your marriage or relationship might be fine in spite of any one of the above concerns. But then again, one of these observations might also signal that your relationship needs some attention. This is why ongoing attention is so vital for the health of your relationship.

What a Relationship Check-up Can Do for You:

A relationship check-up should focus on all aspects of your relationship—highlighting what is working well, each person’s unique strengths, how these strengths can best be utilized in the relationship, as well as any areas that might need attention so problems can be prevented. Couples can leave a relationship check-up invigorated and with a plan of action that will help them keep their marriage or relationship moving in the right direction.

This preventive medicine approach is a healthy alternative to “just putting up with” relationship problems before seeking help.

Are you ready to implement the preventive medicine model for your relationship? Dr. Nicastro offers a FREE relationship check-up by phone!

Visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com to schedule your free relationship check-up. And don’t forget to sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

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University Of The Basque Country PhD Thesis Researches Relationship Of Youth Today With The New Technologies
Sociologist Ms Lucía Merino presented her PhD thesis entitled, Digital natives: a study of the technological socialisation of young people, at the University of the Basque Country (UPV/EHU). Considering that young people nowadays are natives of the so-called digital culture, Ms Merino explored their relationship with the new technologies and how they learn and socialise through them. With this …

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Have you ever wondered where the first love goes to when people get married? It is well noted that when people get married, the romance that drew them close to each other starts to dry off and they ends up losing the close intact that they had towards each other. You might be there and wondering how to rekindle your love frame? It is simple, all you need to do is never to let go off the first flush that you had when you met for the first time. Remember the good things that you used to do to make your partner happy and how you used to re-live the romance that used to exist within you. Its a fact that romance is the key to a successful relationship and there is no relationship that can succeed without romance. Keep your relationship romantic and you will never regret!

Romance adds spice to a relatioship and strengthen the bond between the lovers. It is through romance that a relationship is built and through it, love is born. I wonder why people get bored so fast in their romantic life especially when the target of their love is achieved. This happens when they get married, does it mean that romance is meant for people who are dating only and dies off when they get married? According to my opinion romance should be more empasized when people are dating and mostly applied when they are married. Marriage is rooted from romance and therefore romance is the key to a successful relationship.

Wondering how to keep romance in your relationship? Why can’t you do the crazy things that you used to do when you were newly attached? Arrange for trips and outings as you used to do when love was at its climax. Take a walk together when you are both free and engage in such talks that re-live the memories of the past and good old days of your courtship. You may hold your spouse, kiss, hug or even take a shower together, these are the common tips that make your romance life refreshed and strengthened. Romance is the key to a successful relationship and everyone engaged in a relationship should should keep it romantic and real.

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Take infidelity for example, some relationships survive and even thrive by acknowledging either one or even both partners will seek sexual fulfilment, in part, outside the marriage but as a whole fidelity is paramount for a healthy marriage.

I was listening to the radio the other day when a girl stated that whether her marriage went ahead or not depended on how accurately her fiancée could answer questions about her. I don’t know about you but if I had expected my partner to know all my likes and dislikes before we got married our relationship would have been dead in the water. As it is we wouldn’t have been without each other for the past 20 years.

Marriages have even broken up over one of the partners forgetting a birthday or an anniversary. I must confess that I don’t really want to be reminded of how quickly the years are passing me by and I’m equally prone to over looking special dates as my partner. What is more important to me is how we relate to each other throughout our lives and not just on one or two days of the year.

As you can see, what would totally destroy one marriage is perfectly acceptable in another it just depends on the characteristics of the individuals involved and, in some cases, the timing of events.

• One of the biggest relationship killers is most definitely infidelity. Many people struggle to understand and come to terms with such a betrayal but more importantly, struggle to regain the trust.

• Abuse is something which is tolerated far too often. No one should have to be subjected to any kind of physical, emotional or financial abuse. I only have one bit of advice to someone who is in an abusive relationship, get out, even if the abuse is only occasional. Even occasional abuse is unacceptable and it will only get worse. You can always return if and when they have sorted themselves out but no matter how much you have been promised that it will never happen again it always will unless you take a stand.

• Lack of ability to communicate is a real relationship killer. So many marriages have been thrown away through a lack of understanding and a total inability to communicate. Often all it would take would be for couples to learn how to listen to each other and many perfectly good marriages could be saved.

• Trust is so important in any relationship. If trust doesn’t exist it is very difficult to keep a relationship alive. Infidelity, gambling, drinking, drugs and financial spending are all strong and compelling reasons for not trusting your partner (among many others). A marriage can only usually be saved if the reason for the lack of trust is eliminated and both parties are prepared to forgive and forget. Unless you can let go of the past you cannot look to the future.

• Jealousy can often exist is cases when one partner is still friendly with someone they used to have a relationship with or when a new baby comes along and all ‘couple’ time is eliminated or step parents can be jealous of their partners relationship with their children. Obviously the source of the jealousy can’t always be eliminated, you can sometimes stop seeing previous partners but you can’t exactly throw the baby out the window or banish the step children. Resolving jealousy comes back to communication, discussing and understanding the reasons for the jealousy and jointly devising an action plan to over come it.

• All too often the initial romance of any relationship often clouds people’s judgement when it comes to what both partners want out of life. A simple example is children, how many women get married knowing that they don’t want children or don’t want children any time soon but don’t communicate this to their partner. It is so important to be totally upfront. Other issues sometimes develop when one partner is far more ambitious than the other or just wants different things out of life. Unless your dreams of a perfect marriage are on the same playing field then it’s often a ticket to disaster. Couples need to be totally upfront and honest with each other both before and after marriage to ensure that the dreams and desires of both parties are met and fulfilled.

• Financial issues put a great strain on any relationship. Couples often divorce due to lack of money when all they really need to do is solve the core problem. And statistics obviously show that finance is far more of an issue once you are divorced. I was watching a programme the other day and this couple had survived 15 years living with parents while they saved up for a house. Enough to put a strain on any marriage. However, what I then realised was that they had three children, one of which was probably conceived very early on, and the wife had stayed at home to look after them. This left me thinking, wouldn’t their life have been much easier and wouldn’t that house have come quite early on in the marriage if they had just delayed their plans for a family and both worked for a deposit in those first couple of years. As it happened, their marriage actually survived the 15 years but how many others would have?

• To many it sounds strange, but a lot of married couples feel lonely, especially when their partners work long hours and/or spend periods of time away from home. Sometimes a partner will head to the pub, to the gym or to a mate’s, after work, or I know of many golfers who take a week or even two of their annual holiday to go off golfing without their family. In any relation ship there has to be a balance between work, personnel time and family / couple time.

• Lack of intimacy can often make people feel worthless, unwanted and unloved. Even if sexual relations have diminished or ceased a relationship can still survive through other types of intimacy, a kiss, a cuddle or a caress. Once intimacy ceases in any form partners often feel that they are no longer desired and it is inevitable that people who need an element of intimacy will seek affection else where.

• Many people often say they think their marriage is over when they no longer feel that they are that special person in their partner’s lives. It can become a real big deal when a couple settles down into married life and the romancing comes to an end. No more flowers, romantic diners, endless conversations while you learn all about each other. Perhaps the presents have stopped or less effort is put into making each other happy or children have taken priority. Of course the answer is so much simpler than heading for the divorce courts, just start making an effort and spend more quality time as a couple, bring the good times back. After all that’s just what you’d have to do if you were to start all over and how often to people realise far too late that the grass wasn’t greener.

• The break up of long term marriages can often be as a result of the children leaving home. Couples often have children early on in the marriage from which time their lives totally revolve around the children. Once the children have grown up and left home the parents are no longer comfortable with each others company and just don’t know what to do as a couple. As the children get older it is vital that couples start spending more time together no matter how difficult it is and learn to enjoy each others company without the children.

• Letting yourself go can be a real relationship killer especially if you were really good looking when you got married. If just one partner gets too comfortable in the relationship and feels they no longer need to make an effort it can become a major negative to the future of the marriage.

This is but a short list of reasons why marriages might fail and just because something on the list will destroy one marriage it doesn’t mean to say it will destroy another. Like people, all marriages are unique, the real key to saving your marriage is, understanding what is causing you to feel that your marriage is failing, recognising what action you need to take to put it right and having the determination and the desire to do so.

For almost every possible relationship killer learning how to communicate is critical, if you truly want to save your marriage.

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• Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of others

• While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.

• Your partner is controlling – reading your mail or “showing up” at places you are just to “check up” on you.

• Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.

• You have changed things about yourself to please them.

Toxic people make you feel ill just being around them. So, why would anyone end up in a spoiled relationship? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?

A spoiled relationship has a cycle. There’s a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by reconciliation – at which point the cycle begins anew.

When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in the honeymoon stage. It is not until they’ve sucked you in further that you realize that you are in a spoiled relationship. At that point, it is difficult to get out.

One reason is that many people in spoiled relationships grow up in toxic homes. As a result, they replicate the patterns of their childhood without even knowing they are doing it. And, they may not know any better. Others believe they do not deserve happiness. Still others find that they enjoy taking care of people.

But the first step in getting out and staying out of spoiled relationships is to realize that you do have choices. Often people who stay in these couples have low self esteem or suffer from depression.

Once you realize that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself. In most spoiled relationships, the toxic partner has taught you that it is your entire fault. Once you buy into this, it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship.

For some people, working in therapy groups can help them either get out of or redefine these horrible relationships.

The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of spoiled relationships. Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds. But others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it.

The truth is that most relationships are able to be salvaged. Sometimes it takes a little space. Other times, it takes counseling. But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.

The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you are willing to walk away. If you are not willing to walk away, you’ll never be able to heal that which divides you.

Once you have liberated yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection. Don’t nag the other person. Simply say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.

” If you don’t get what you need, the other person should know that you’re prepared to walk.

A healthy relationship is a two way street. In a toxic relationship, the street is only going one way. You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands.

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A romantic relationship is essential to most marriages. But only a small minority of couples can maintain a romantic relationship after marriage.

Let me give you some advices of how to maintain a romantic relationship after marriage all the time.

Advice 1: Focus on Commonalities

A romantic relationship needs husbands and wives to share emotions, experiences, and beliefs. While happily married coup 0les can rattle off their differences, they will also always make statements about the things they have in common. The more couples focus on these things they have in common, the deeper intimacy is allowed to grow.

Think about the times you have felt the most connected with your spouse. One of the best exercises anyone can do to make their marriage a more romantic relationship is to focus on what you do have, and not on what you wish were different. Remember, it’s not about trying to change your spouse, making him or her think, feel and behave more like you. Instead, try to understand these differences and not pass judgment.

Advice 2: Spend time together

Studies indicate that marital happiness is highly correlated with the amount of time spent together. This means getting to know each other better and spending time together. Plan together and you’ll find that the planning takes time and effort. These shared plans do so much good for a marriage because they acknowledge the importance of your union and give you a sense of future together. Busy couples should actually schedule time together, such as going on lunch dates or turning off the TV at night, to enjoy each other’s company. This way, you are intentionally connecting and showing each other attention and appreciation, factors that are crucial to a romantic relationship.

Advice 3: Give Compliments

Lovers shower compliments upon each other (even when not really necessary) and this actually helps in nurturing your romance. It is very natural for lovers to get busy with daily work, family and home post marriage. But in this hustle bustle, many a times both forget to compliment one another when she is wearing her hair differently or he is looking more handsome on a particular day. So take time out of your work and kids to notice his/her looks and give complements. Not just looks, you can also compliment your partner on his/her work, achievements, etc. This will surely work in re-injecting romance in your marriage.

Advice 4: Be Interested in His/Her Life

It is not really possible to like each and every habit of your spouse. For example, a wife may not really be interested when her partner spends the entire morning cleaning his car. On the other hand, a husband may not really appreciate the reality shows wives like watching on TV. But think again. They are not really that bad. Are they? Moreover if you genuinely sometimes take interest in things that interests your life partner, he or she will really appreciate your gesture and reciprocate.

Last advice: Surprises can be Fun

With the daily tensions, there is more need of romance in your life. Giving your partner little surprises goes a long way in elevating moods and lessening anxieties. Here I give some tips to you:

Tips 1: Unexpected kissing

When was the last time that you surprised your spouse with a kiss? Giving your partner a smooch when he isn’t anticipating it will catch him off guard in a pleasant way.

Tips 2: A Surprised Gift

You can leave cute love messages (or a small gift @^.^@) for one another under the pillow. Watch this video for some gift ideas.

I think making a Sweet Video Slideshow with a Free PowerPoint to Video converter such as Acoolsoft PPT to Video Free is also a good idea. Go and try it yourself!

If you practice these ideas, you will quickly see how you can light the fire of intimacy in your marriage and rekindle your romantic relationship.

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Following the marriage commitment, the very same things that at first made the relationship so exciting are the very same things that fall away. After all, why work on making a good impression if someone has already committed their life to you? For men especially, often the highest level of intimacy they desire (sex) has already been obtained. Why put in even more time talking when there is no greater intimacy to be had and there are other things to do? On top of this, the things that were previously fun activities for the couple become routine (even a rut).

When a child comes along, focus on each other tends to turn to focus on the child. Although this as first renews sharing and adds vitality, it later increases the routine, decreases available time and energy, and increases stress. For this reason, couples are encouraged not to have children until their relationship is stable and strong.

Becoming roommates rather than husband and wife is usually a gradual process of gradually increasing emotional distance. Once this distance reaches a level that is uncomfortable for both the husband and the wife, there is a crisis. Depending on the way the crisis is managed, the couple continue to be roommates, have increasing conflict until breaking up, or redefine their marriage to allow for a positive change.

Redefining or renewing a relationship is the process of moving closer together. There are three components to creating a healthy relationship:

1. CHANGING VISIONS–Either the husband, wife, or both need to clearly discover what kind of relationship they want to have. So many couples become embroiled in trying to fix the problems, that they never really stop to consider what they want. A counselors will often use this problem focused approach that at best can get people back to where they were before. A relationship coach, on the other hand, will use the technique of creating a vision. Visions, desires, and goals, pull us toward them in a positive and exciting way. This makes for the possibility of an entirely new type of relationship to replace the old.

2. CHANGING BELIEFS–One of the most debilitating beliefs is that one’s partner must change before the relationship can improve. The fact is that one person must make the first move and that person can be either partner. It is not necessary to have a simultaneous start up. For example, a person who is unhappy in their marriage may find that by changing their job or starting a new hobby, they become happier with more of a zest for life. This, in turn, can make them more attractive to their partner. Misery loves company and when one person refuses to be miserable and makes positive life changes, the other partner is often pulled in that direction without any kind of coercion.

3. CHANGING STRATEGIES–People do what they know how to do. This means that they try to use the same strategies as in the past, but this time hoping to achieve different results. Even when couples put 100% of their effort into reviving their marriage by returning to what worked in the past, they will more than likely end up in the very same place. Trying harder to achieve different results using the same methods does not work. The number one strategy for creating a better relationship is getting help and support from someone who knows how to do that. It the person you see in the mirror has not had success in the area you want to improve, do you really want to put all your trust in his/her methods? If someone wants to quit smoking, which do you think would be better–hoping that you will develop the urge to quit smoking, trying to quit alone, buying a stop smoking self-help book, or committing to meeting regularly with an expert in smoking cessation? What would be the best strategy for achieving a healthy relationship?

An exercise that you can do now to begin changing your vision is to get a piece of paper and a pen. Write at the top of the paper, “My Dream Relationship.” Pretend you are not married. Imagine your fairy godmother grants you the wish of the man or woman of your dreams. Write down what that person is like physically and emotionally. What will you do with that person? Where will you go? Where will you live? What will your daily life with that person be like? The interesting thing about this exercise is that when husbands and wives who are emotionally distant do this exercise separately, they actually come up with many of the same ideas for their dream partner. When couples are distant, it is not usually because they want different things, but because they don’t know how to get what they want. Working on these areas of common desire with new and effective methods will bring new spark into the relationship and create the potential for more lasting, positive change.

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