Posts Tagged ‘Turn’
A great deal has been written about the damaging effects that anger can have on intimate relationships. But did you know that anger can be beneficial to your marriage or relationship?
The dark side of anger
Like all emotions, anger runs along a continuum–from low to high intensity. When too intense, anger is like an untamed horse–anyone in its path is in danger of being hurt. Anger that pushes you to behave in hurtful or abusive ways has no place in your relationship.
There is a crucial difference between feeling angry and behaving aggressively.
You’re in good company if you’ve erred and said something in the heat of an argument that you later regret (and apologized for), but verbal attacks that are meant to hurt or belittle your partner are a major warning sign that something is wrong.
You and your partner should make controlling the way anger is communicated a top priority. This doesn’t mean that you should never become angry. Shutting down your emotional reactions is unhealthy–both for your well-being and the health of your relationship.
When is anger useful:
Anger has a place in relationships. The fact that we all have the capacity to become angry suggests that anger is a natural part of our existence. Let’s look at how anger can become your ally.
5 ways anger can benefit you (and your relationship):
1. Your anger lets your partner know what’s important to you.
For instance, your husband notices you become angry each time his family unexpectedly visits during dinner time. Your reaction sends a powerful message that says you look forward to your alone time with him in the evenings, rather than dealing with intrusions or spending time with his extended family. Anger is a source of information.
2. Your anger is a blueprint that tells your partner what to do and what not to do.
Your partner thinks she’s being cute when she compares your receding hairline with Antarctic’s shrinking glaciers. Embarrassed and angry, you grumble that her comment was hurtful and you assert, “You better never say anything like that again!” If I were your partner, I’d listen. Anger has a highlighting effect, adding “oomph” to your message.
3. Your anger informs you about your underlying needs.
You’re driving to work and your car’s “check engine” light comes on. The car seems to be driving OK but you decide to play it safe and take it to the mechanic. To your surprise, the mechanic finds several problems that need fixing–if ignored, these small problems would have multiplied. Your anger is a lot like the “check engine” light–warning you that something needs fixing.
4. Your anger is a roadmap, pointing to your core values.
Imagine you find yourself feeling uncomfortable and annoyed whenever your partner interacts with the waitstaff at restaurants. To your dismay, you notice that he speaks in a condescending tone of voice and is demanding. It’s always been important to you that others are treated with kindness and consideration. In this example, your reaction is a reminder that you hold these values with conviction.
5. Your anger is a protective shield.
Think of a time when you became angered when treated unfairly. Anger is a common reaction to transgression. When your partner is insensitive or critical, anger can help you protect yourself. Anger helps you shield the vulnerable parts of yourself and motivates you to take the necessary steps to assert yourself. When you say, “Don’t talk to me like that–I don’t deserve that!” your anger is helping you to protect yourself.
As you can see, anger has an important place in your marriage or relationship (and in all relationships). Unfortunately, anger can also be a very destructive force if left to its own devices–a controlled fire gives warmth, an uncontrolled fire blazes a path of destruction.
The key to using anger constructively lies in what you do with your anger. How you behave and communicate when angry is of utmost important to the health of your relationship.
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Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich is co-founder of LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
Ever notice how you put more value on something you worked hard for over something else that just fell on your lap? A common example of this is when you see someone spend lottery winnings on a fancy house, but thinking twice about investing life savings.
When something comes with a great deal of effort, that object increases its worth to that person who went through a great deal to get it. The same can be said about relationships. Someone who was won over with little effort can be let go just as easily. But when one is made to invest time and resources, it is harder to let them simply slip away.
Guys, believe it or not, it is okay, if not healthy, to let your lady work at your relationship and making things slightly more challenging for her to get you. After all, women have been playing “hard to get” for the longest time. It’s only right that they be returned the favor.
You may agree, but then you may not know exactly how. So read on for some helpful ideas on letting your mate work on increasing the value of your relationship.
- Retain some enigma.
Perhaps in their eagerness to impress the ladies, guys nowadays tend to share information about themselves short of a resume. That leaves very little for a woman to build her curiosity on.
Women are creatures of curiosity. They are wired to hunt for information on something that they are interested in. Just looking at how they consume gossip magazines will show you that.
Let this work to your advantage by revealing just enough information about yourself to get them interested while giving them hints on how to find out more. For example, let her know that you two have a common friend, but only give hints as to who it is. If she is in the least interested, chances are she’ll be asking everyone she knows if they know you. As a result, you’ll probably be constantly on her mind – which is a very, very good thing.
- Challenge her views.
If you don’t agree with some things your lady believes to be the only truth, let her know your opinions as otherwise. You will find that she will engage you with a lot more enthusiasm, if only to win you over to her side.
The advantage to this is that if you get “won over” by the arguments she made for her case, she’d feel a greater sense of attachment to you. Just be careful in doing so as your challenge can very easily be perceived as picking a fight, which may turn out badly for the both of you.
- Acquire a new skill together.
Whether it is a craft or a sport, encourage your girl to take up something she’s never had before with you. As she agrees, subtly push her to perform better than you are. If you are a very competitive type of guy, this may be quite difficult for you.
But if you keep your competitiveness in check, and allow her to excel over you with this new skill, you help build her confidence while at the same time making you the focus of her efforts.
- Let her imagination work.
When you and your lady have reached the point where you are physically intimate, you access another aspect of your relationship where you can allow you lady to work on.
When it comes to sex, even if she has already encouraged you to talk about it the first time, do what you can to avoid the topic – at least long enough for her to ask the second time. At this point, indulge her with some ideas you have in mind but leave out the details.
Allowing her imagination to fill in the blanks has already got you set up in her mind about the possibilities of an incredible night with you. Remember, a woman’s most erogenous zone is her brain. Work this part of her and it’ll take all of her self-control not to jump you the next time you meet.
These ideas all work to get your woman to invest more time and effort on you, reinforcing the connection you two have made. But be sure to affirm these efforts and let her know that you notice the work she is putting in. Nothing makes her feel better than to know her man thinks she is not only a great partner, but someone who can stand well enough on her own.
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